I wrote this yesterday had absolutely no clue as to the pain that was to come. I feel like I am going through surgery and have just been left on the operating table, cut wide open. Exposed. Bleeding. As damaged, hurting areas are being removed. Repaired. Replaced. No painkillers, no anesthesia, nothing. Pain is searing through every part of my body, I can feel it so strongly. Each time my heart beats, blood pumps through my veins, I catch my breath, as memories, thoughts, feelings race through my mind. More tears fall. It hurts SO deeply, "please someone take this pain away" my mind cries out, but no words form on my lips, they will not even move. I sense that something awe-inspiring is happening at the same time. It is not natural,I know this. I am somehow, amazingly, able to still be awake through this pain. Why have I not passed out with each cut, tear of my flesh, or break of my bone? While this hurts so deeply, my heart knows I must feel it, cry out with each ache. This distress will bring healing in areas that have become exposed, as the Master is ever so carefully, lovingly, repairing the damaged insides of my life. He is making me, His masterpiece. His creation, who He created me to be. Making beauty from these ashes. The pain is still there, I can feel it, but dulled now by my mind escaping, dreaming, wandering, looking to get away, just for a moment....Please? I need a break.




I need a break....

by Melissa Wirth-Newell on Wednesday, August 11, 2010 at 3:31pm

"I need a break." This seems to have been my anthem for quite a while now. A break from what? My family? My friends? My home? "I need to get away." falls into that catagory as well. And that is exactly what I have done. But I have not really gone anywhere in the physical sense but I have "gotten away" in my mind and in my heart. To places that that have made me restless, rather than given me rest. While they bring comfort, excitement, joy or relief for a moment, I am still in "need of a break" when I return from these mind/heart vacations. And these vacations do not cost anything, so they are justified in my mind! Or if they do cost money, it is very little, miniscule compared to where I really want to be.On a beach, laying in the sun with the cool ocean breeze gently playing with my hair. Or in Disneyland, with my family, to be in the "Happiest Place on Earth" well, would be exactly that, happy.
I can picture it now....Can you? Nice isn't it? Relaxed, no stress, nothing to worry about. *sigh* deep breaths, this is just what I needed...."MOM!!!" Make him stop! Mom! MOM??!!" well there goes that break, back to reality just as fast as I escaped to my imaginary vacation. Disappointment covers my face and lines begin to form on my brow that make children say "Uhoh! RUN!!" That saddens my heart and that is not the mommy I want my children to remember, or the wife I want my husband to see.
Time to face the facts Melissa, you do not need a break. You have been taking one, for a LONG time. You have been hiding from life when you take the breaks. You do not need a break, you need to be broken, before God, at His feet, finding rest in Him, not in other ways. Stop fooling yourself and realize just how you ended up here and now that your heart is submitted to Him, you will find that "break" every day. In Him, in the little things. Those moments with your children, your husband, your family and friends. THOSE are your breaks IN life.
I hear Him saying "Let Me fill you up, you will find rest in Me if you seek me. There will be no need for escape, no need to feel like you need to get away"
"Really?" my heart cries
"Yes, I am healing your broken heart so you do not constantly feel a need to take a break. So your heart will be full of love, joy, and you will see the treasure I have saved for you"
Tears fill my eyes.
"That treasure is your beauty, inside and out. You are uncovering the gifts I have given you. Each one of them a rare jewel to be placed in your crown my beautiful princess"
More tears. I have not felt this relief, this at rest, this calm since I was on my last "break". And look, here I am in the midst of a storm! Waters are filling up around me, thunder is crackling above me as the lightning flashes before me. The wind is so strong I can feel it trying to carry me away, but I am peace, resting in the arms of Jesus. "Rest here my daughter, you have come to me weary and I will be your break from the storm, I will give you rest." With a deep breath, I smell his sweet fragrance,like calming lavender. Tears flow down my face as he places a beautiful lily in my hand and with the words " You are more beautiful than this flower to me, more precious than any jewel." I break down in tears, realizing this is the break I needed, to broken before Him, so I can grow into the beautiful woman he created me to be, the woman he destined me to be.

Believe


by Melissa Wirth-Newell

Why is there so much sorrow in my joy?
This is supposed to be a time for rejoicing,
but my heart is aching,
longing for the days that used to be.
When things were right with the world,
When you were here with me.


I want you here,
to listen to the beat of a heart.
To see your face light up
at the sound of your dream.
You were taken away from me,
before you were supposed to go,
why do we have to be apart?

You should be here,
enjoying this new journey,
that Life has given us.
We should be giggling,
whispering our thoughts,
planning the celebration,
anticipating this amazing,
God given creation.

I want you here,
to help me with this new life.
To hear your sweet laughter,
fill the rooms again.
It does not seem right without you
to be this happy.
Somedays,
nothing else matters.

But because of you,
I can do this.
I can begin to breathe again.
It may not be easy,
at times I feel like I want to die.
But because of you,
with all my heart
I will give this new life a try.

For I know you are watching,
you are here with me.
Waiting,
anticipating,
to see what is to come.
You are everywhere,
in the tulips,
the butterflies,
the rainbows in the sky.
I think of you when I see these tokens,
sometimes they make my heart cry.
Other times, they bring me pure joy.
Because of this new life,
I will be strong,
for I know I will see your face someday,
In the blink of His eye,
it will not be long.

Because of you,
I know I can do this.
Because of you,
I will forever continue,
to just...
Believe

Searching.....

by Melissa Wirth-Newell

I find myself searching for You.
Somehow,
You have become lost.
I miss talking with You.
did I disappoint You?
I exposed my heart,
but I wonder,
was it worth the cost?

I search for You in the eyes of others,
do You still see me the same?
My heart knows that You do
but my mind tells me otherwise.
Have I changed so much,
strayed too far?
I have only myself to blame.

I search for You in the pages I have written.
You are there,
but am I reading between the lines?
You engage my heart,
my thoughts,
my feelings,
You always have had a way with me,
right from the start.

I know that You are always near,
but why do I feel so alone?
Life is tossing me around like a ship,
lost at sea.
The times I have found You,
or You have found me,
You were my anchor.
Keeping me from breaking apart,
in this hurricane,
that has become my life.

I am searching,
where did You go?
Your encouraging words,
have brought light to my life again,
like a lighthouse,
in the midst of this storm.
Where did You go?

I am searching once again,
this time for Your thoughts.
They give me comfort,
strength,
renewed vision,
in areas I thought had been lost.

This storm will never die down,
of that I am sure,
for life constantly tosses me around.
But the calm moments You have given me,
allow me to hold on,
tighter,
stronger,
preparing me for the next round.

I am searching,
will You be there still?
I am searching,
praying,
wishing,
hoping,
that You will.

As i re-read this now, I realize that this is probably where my journey began, with this poem. I find it amusing that I titled this blog, Journey of Faith and this poem was titled almost 11 months ago. I had no idea that my first writing would be this, but I am beginning to see God's plan.He is guiding me on this journey of finding my true beauty, how He sees me. So lets take a trip to a warm September day, sitting at Miller Lake in a camp chair. Sun shining through the trees, the smell of a campfire in the distance. Silence was all around, except for the occasional rustling of leaves. My heart was aching and my mind was filled with so many thoughts. I had found a quiet spot and searched my soul for what was bothering me. I needed to find a reason to smile again, so I put pen to paper and and poured my heart out to and took a walk down....
This Road I am On
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 2:10am

This path I have been on,
it seems like a long road to nowhere.
I have been going down side roads
and dangerous bends.
Unfamiliar crossroads
and lonely dead ends.

Each road is very different,
each demanding its own resolution.
"Shall I continue this way,
where will it lead me?
Is it a path to hope?
Or a course for destruction?"

More questions arise in my muddled heart,
"Will the road to the left
bring me only despair and torment?
Or to a place of new starts?
Will this road to the right take me to that place,
the one of quiet rest?"
I question again "Do I continue this way?
Or is this a test?"

"Which path shall I take?"
I close my eyes,
take a deep breath,
inhale,
exhale,
trying to imagine,
"Will this road bring me new life
or bring my aching heart certain death?"

I strain my ears,
trying listen.
Drowning out the noises around.
Somewhere in the distance,
I think I hear your whisper.
"Is that you I am hearing?
Is that you calling to me?"
I fall to my knees,
helpless and crying.
"Can't you see my despair!?"
This road is too painful, it hurts so much,
how much more can I bear?
Inside I feel like a part of me is dying,
I am crying out to you,
I still need you,
Please tell me you still care.

Tears are starting to fill up my eyes,
like me, they are wanting to escape.
I am trying so hard to hold them back.
I cannot go here,
down this path,
the pain is too great.

No longer can I hold onto them,
they are falling to my feet.
I cannot stop them,
I cannot hold on any longer.
I am letting go..
"Can you hear me!?" I scream.
How did I get here?
Is this reality
or is this a dream?

"Please..." a whisper,
from my lips,
I am so blinded by these tears of pain.
"Show me, on this road
will I fail?
Or do I have everything to gain?"
Another weak whisper is all I can bear
"Tell me, this road I have chosen...
is this where I belong?"
No words now,
just a thought.
How did I get here,
where did I go wrong?

I am asking once again,
"Is there a road back,
back to where I once was?"
I cry with all I have left in me
"If so, please...help me find it!"
take me away from here
so these tears will subside.
Down a different road,
to a place where I do not want to hide.

Between my damp lashes and continuing tears,
I can see your face smiling at me,
I feel your soothing touch,
"Let me calm your fears"
That voice...
I can hear you now!
"You have never wandered where I cannot find you,
or where I cannot see you.
I am always here,
I have never left you, nor do I want to.
These roads you have taken,
some have been laid out for you,
but you went in your own direction.
Look down,
see the puddle of your tears?
That is me next to you.
Can't you see our reflections?"

"Let me dry your tears,
my darling,
Trust me,
let me carry your burdens.
I will guide you through this,
take my hand,
I see your pain,
and how much you are hurting.
But once I show you which path to take,
the choice becomes yours,
one that only you can make."

As open my eyes once again,
I wipe off my tear stained cheeks.
I can see through this pain,
somehow...I will make it through,
even though it runs so deep.
For before me now,
I see a single road.
It is scattered with rocks and ridges
and edges that are steep.
As I look closely, there is something else there,
I take one step,
eyes focused in front,
I see it clearly now,
something I have not seen in quite a while.
I see hope, it is in my future.
and on my face there are no more tears,
only
... a smile

Okay, here we go...I have no idea if anyone will ever read this, but it is okay if no one does. This is for me and my insane desire to write. I have loved to write since I can remember and have countless journals and odd pieces of paper with my ramblings on them. This seems to be the perfect way to gather my thoughts and writings in one place where I can read them and reflect on them. If someone along the way happens to read it, I hope they will continue to follow me on this journey. I have no idea where it is going to go and what part my writings will play in this act of my life. I just know that I lie awake at night with all these thoughts, poems, stories and ideas on my mind and in my heart. This is the place that I hope they will come together and maybe then I can make some sense of them. I will also include past writings as I find them and hopefully they will fill in some missing puzzle pieces that seem to be missing from my crazy life. So, once again, here we go. Let this journey of faith begin.....