As i re-read this now, I realize that this is probably where my journey began, with this poem. I find it amusing that I titled this blog, Journey of Faith and this poem was titled almost 11 months ago. I had no idea that my first writing would be this, but I am beginning to see God's plan.He is guiding me on this journey of finding my true beauty, how He sees me. So lets take a trip to a warm September day, sitting at Miller Lake in a camp chair. Sun shining through the trees, the smell of a campfire in the distance. Silence was all around, except for the occasional rustling of leaves. My heart was aching and my mind was filled with so many thoughts. I had found a quiet spot and searched my soul for what was bothering me. I needed to find a reason to smile again, so I put pen to paper and and poured my heart out to and took a walk down....
This Road I am On
Thursday, September 3, 2009 at 2:10am

This path I have been on,
it seems like a long road to nowhere.
I have been going down side roads
and dangerous bends.
Unfamiliar crossroads
and lonely dead ends.

Each road is very different,
each demanding its own resolution.
"Shall I continue this way,
where will it lead me?
Is it a path to hope?
Or a course for destruction?"

More questions arise in my muddled heart,
"Will the road to the left
bring me only despair and torment?
Or to a place of new starts?
Will this road to the right take me to that place,
the one of quiet rest?"
I question again "Do I continue this way?
Or is this a test?"

"Which path shall I take?"
I close my eyes,
take a deep breath,
inhale,
exhale,
trying to imagine,
"Will this road bring me new life
or bring my aching heart certain death?"

I strain my ears,
trying listen.
Drowning out the noises around.
Somewhere in the distance,
I think I hear your whisper.
"Is that you I am hearing?
Is that you calling to me?"
I fall to my knees,
helpless and crying.
"Can't you see my despair!?"
This road is too painful, it hurts so much,
how much more can I bear?
Inside I feel like a part of me is dying,
I am crying out to you,
I still need you,
Please tell me you still care.

Tears are starting to fill up my eyes,
like me, they are wanting to escape.
I am trying so hard to hold them back.
I cannot go here,
down this path,
the pain is too great.

No longer can I hold onto them,
they are falling to my feet.
I cannot stop them,
I cannot hold on any longer.
I am letting go..
"Can you hear me!?" I scream.
How did I get here?
Is this reality
or is this a dream?

"Please..." a whisper,
from my lips,
I am so blinded by these tears of pain.
"Show me, on this road
will I fail?
Or do I have everything to gain?"
Another weak whisper is all I can bear
"Tell me, this road I have chosen...
is this where I belong?"
No words now,
just a thought.
How did I get here,
where did I go wrong?

I am asking once again,
"Is there a road back,
back to where I once was?"
I cry with all I have left in me
"If so, please...help me find it!"
take me away from here
so these tears will subside.
Down a different road,
to a place where I do not want to hide.

Between my damp lashes and continuing tears,
I can see your face smiling at me,
I feel your soothing touch,
"Let me calm your fears"
That voice...
I can hear you now!
"You have never wandered where I cannot find you,
or where I cannot see you.
I am always here,
I have never left you, nor do I want to.
These roads you have taken,
some have been laid out for you,
but you went in your own direction.
Look down,
see the puddle of your tears?
That is me next to you.
Can't you see our reflections?"

"Let me dry your tears,
my darling,
Trust me,
let me carry your burdens.
I will guide you through this,
take my hand,
I see your pain,
and how much you are hurting.
But once I show you which path to take,
the choice becomes yours,
one that only you can make."

As open my eyes once again,
I wipe off my tear stained cheeks.
I can see through this pain,
somehow...I will make it through,
even though it runs so deep.
For before me now,
I see a single road.
It is scattered with rocks and ridges
and edges that are steep.
As I look closely, there is something else there,
I take one step,
eyes focused in front,
I see it clearly now,
something I have not seen in quite a while.
I see hope, it is in my future.
and on my face there are no more tears,
only
... a smile

Okay, here we go...I have no idea if anyone will ever read this, but it is okay if no one does. This is for me and my insane desire to write. I have loved to write since I can remember and have countless journals and odd pieces of paper with my ramblings on them. This seems to be the perfect way to gather my thoughts and writings in one place where I can read them and reflect on them. If someone along the way happens to read it, I hope they will continue to follow me on this journey. I have no idea where it is going to go and what part my writings will play in this act of my life. I just know that I lie awake at night with all these thoughts, poems, stories and ideas on my mind and in my heart. This is the place that I hope they will come together and maybe then I can make some sense of them. I will also include past writings as I find them and hopefully they will fill in some missing puzzle pieces that seem to be missing from my crazy life. So, once again, here we go. Let this journey of faith begin.....